My heart is so heavy as I write this post. I have never felt more like I am in the midst of a spiritual battle than now. And going to church this morning made that battle become even more real to me.
My heart hurts for the girls in our home. I have never met girls that are so judgmental and ungrateful for what they have. Yes these girls have had horrible pasts, but they are in a wonderful program and get everything they need and most of what they want here. They are extremely spoiled and so ungrateful for everything they receive. It is hard for me to be the "tough mom" in the house, but that's my job. With the girls, I try to be strong and be a leader in this home. Then when it's just me & Matt, I fall apart. I knew coming into this position, that it was going to be hard, but I never imagined how hard it would be. I am physically and emotionally drained every single day. This could possibly be the hardest job that I will ever do.
This morning, we took the girls to the church that they enjoy going to. This is a very strong, active full-gospel Baptist church. The worship is wonderful. I realized this morning that I do not agree with a single bit of their theology. It was so hard to sit there and listen to the message, knowing that my girls love it, and I don't agree with anything the co-pastor is saying. It seems that this church focuses on blessings and favor--not Jesus. Many times this morning the co-pastor said that "spiritual people like us will be blessed". She ranted and screamed for 30 minutes about how President Bush has cursed our nation and our city. And she barely quoted any scripture that had nothing to do with what she was talking about. It made my heart hurt that they focus so much on being "spiritual people" and receiving blessings by being "spiritual". That's not what it's all about. You can be the most spiritual person in the world, but if you don't know Jesus, you have nothing. You can pray all the time, go to church all the time, but when it boils down to it, if you are not living by the grace of Jesus, your life means nothing. We should not live our lives to be blessed and favored. We live our lives for Christ because that's what we are called to do. If I don't receive any blessings on earth, that's okay; I know that I'm following the Lord's will and doing what He called me to do. I'm here to serve Him and Him alone. I wish more people understood that.
All in all, I'm writing this post not so that you will feel sorry for me, but so that you will pray for me and Matt. We are dealing with so many different issues right now, pray that we will stay focused on Christ and His calling to us. Pray that we will feel the Lord's strength in us daily and that others will see the Lord in us.
I can't get the song, "Give Me Jesus" out of my head. This song sums up my heart right now. Just give me Jesus.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
3 comments:
I don't know that I can express all my thoughts in words right now---but want you to know that I am praying HARD for you and Matt---and that I am so very proud of you. You have so much more spiritual maturity and discernment than I did at your age---and while that causes your heart to hurt, it is also what drives you even more intensely to Jesus. We can talk about this more soon---but for now, realize that it is in seeing you live out your faith in front of the girls that will cause them to desire to know Jesus, too---maybe not while they are with you, but the seeds that God plants in their lives through you and Matt will bring fruit, eventually. And as for the lack of gratitude? Well, let's just say that it goes with the territory of those teenage years! Given time, maturity, and positive spiritual role models,(and Jesus, of course!) it will pass---and even turn around so that they are pouring themselves out for others. Meanwhile, remember that you need to tend to your own relationship with Him, so you'll have His strength and His Spirit as you interact with the girls. We'll talk soon!
Love you much!
Mom
P.S. You said Baptist church---I thought it was---um, something else---will you clarify when we talk?
I cannot give you the advice of a mother or someone wisened by experiences, but I can give you our prayers and love. I pray for you everyday and then some. You and Matt are doing more for these girls than they've had in a long time. The structure and "tough" love is what they need. You both are my heros and I know I couldn't take on the kind of things you are. I wish we were there to help you through it, but remember that we are with you in prayer. We miss you and Love you guys! ~ Paul and Kelly
mack-your post reminded me of so many of my thoughts with my boys at work. they constantly want more and are so consumed with things. often times i wonder if they get the message from church at all. they hear the word..but is it changing their lives? i dont see it changing their actions. its a frustrating place to be..but at the same time its a great place to me because i know only an amazing and powerful and gracious God can move them past their circumstances to Him and His grace. Reminds me that it has nothing to do with me...just give them Jesus:)
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